1 Plain Brown Box=Big Dream Come True

"The flower has opened,
has been in the sun and is unafraid.
I'm taking more chances;
I'm bold and proud."
---Paula Cole


The plain brown box to the left is simple and unassuming. It is 10x10 inches wide in diameter with clear packing tape carefully wrapped around its outer shell.

It doesn't make noise when you shake it, like those Christmas gifts from years past that showed up from grandparents. It is square and boring; sturdy and strong.

It may not look like much, but this box represents a major intersection in my life and my business. Tomorrow, this box is destined for a special place: Sundance headquarters in Salt Lake City!

Shipping my first order to the Sundance Catalog is the culmination of a dream come true for me. I remember flipping through the catalogs wistfully as I sat at my corporate desk--sandwich in one hand, a red pen in the other. I'd circle all of the designs that I totally loved, then daydream about whether one day I could be like the artists featured in this fabulous catalog. I wanted to be one of them. I wanted to be an artist.

Next month, I will be on my way to that dream coming true. Five of my designs are in this box, part of the Fall Catalog that will hit doorsteps early next month. This box represents months of blood, sweat and tears; of patina and solder. Of many late nights and too many Law and Order episodes to count. Of mistakes and lessons, experiments gone well and some not so much.

This is a first step toward my larger goal of someday being a Featured Artist at Sundance. My goal is to do such a stellar job with high quality work that they have no other option but to include my name and my work in their exclusive ranks. I will not stop until I am!

It has been a busy six months preparing for this moment. This unassuming box means so much. It symbolizes taking a chance--and garnering a positive response after so many negative ones. It symbolizes being determined that my passion would unfold itself so lovingly into a business.

It symbolizes a woman whose heart was torn to pieces only to be healed, if only in part, by art. It symbolizes a person who has grown up in so many ways, and who is so very proud of who she is and what she stands for.

To you, it might look like just a little brown box.

To me it's a new life. To me, it's everything.

New Fall Designs--Finally!

"Drive a nail home, and secure it so faithfully that you can wake up in the night and think of your work with satisfaction."

--Henry David Thoreau

So it's been one hell of a year, and I feel like I've changed virtually everything about my life. Front and center in all that change has been the business, which I've adapted, grown, and adapted again.

I am looking to the horizon with hope and a positive attitude--I am proud of what I've done, survived and accomplished in spite of it.

I've been busy adding new work to the site today, and I finally have new pieces to show my customers! I have lots more to add, but will save it for future fall days.

Next week, I ship my first Sundance Catalog order--the first of what I hope will be many to come. I am thrilled and nervous and excited--it is the culmination of lots of hard work this past year.

You won't find the Sundance pieces on my new site--they are all exclusive to Sundance. But you will see many other wonderful finds, inspired by the Road Less Traveled. The Fall collection is inspired by far off places rich with textured prints and landscapes; of dusty roads and marketplaces filled with merchants and bustling women and men; of exotic lands that tug at my heart and hold a special place in my soul.

View the new work at www.originalhardware.com!

Living with Out Fear, Eyes Open

"I will not die an unlived life.
I will not live in fear
of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible,
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance,
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom,
and that which came to me as blossom
goes on as fruit."
-Dawna Markova

It has been a crazy couple of weeks, and my blog posts have become woefully at the bottom of the priority list. I've finally had a chance to catch up on life's to do list, and this past weekend actually had time to sit down and do something I hadn't had time for in quite a while: design.

I'm working on final pieces for my Spring/Summer collection for next year, and then it's on to designing the body of work that I'll be selling out next fall. When you work so far in advance, and then come back to the pieces you created for that particular season, you also remember what the world was delivering at your doorstep at the time--what was influencing your creative processes.

I was reminded of this over the weekend, as I came back to finish some pieces that I had started during a very tumultuous time in my life. I remember being inundated with thoughts of anxiety and fear; fear of what was coming, who I would be, and what impact it would all have on my life and my son's life.

In the past, fear was the rudder on my ship: fear of failing; fear of uncertainty; fear of losing; fear of abandonment. I made decisions (or didn't make them) based on fear. A girlfriend of mine recently said, "Well, all of these things have happened to you even though you feared them--so I guess you don't have to fear them anymore." It was like a lightbulb had gone off and it changed my entire way of thinking.

I am trying to live each day now with no fear. Living this way has brought me opportunities that I can't even have imagined. It has brought me a life that is truly mine, a life in which I try to see each day as it comes and look it straight in the eye and say, "I am not afraid."

Stay tuned for fall/holiday work, updates about Sundance (it's all good!) and just on life. In the meantime, live without fear. Do not live in fear of falling or catching fire. Savor each moment, each second of this wonderful gift we call life.

"Happiness is not in another place, but this place....not for another hour, but this hour."
--Walt Whitman

Recently, I've tried to focus a great deal on the here and now vs. what's coming or what's happened. This is easier said than done for obvious reasons: (1) there's a lot of crap from my past that I have to go back and look at in order not to make the same mistakes again (2) there's a lot of uncertainty about the future and who I'll be when I grow up, and (3) we are not wired to just be in the moment (in particular, I am not wired that way.)
While it might be a difficult task, I am trying in earnest to focus on the now more often. Outside of to-do lists and checklists and pieces to make and pieces to think about, I have this little reminder each day who helps me be in the now: my son.
Children have this amazing way of not having any clue what's coming up next, or not even caring much about it. While I try to scoot Evan to the car to get to school on time, he's on the floor of the car looking for dropped Fruit Snacks. When he finds one, he pulls it up gleefully and shouts, "Mom! Guess what I found?!"
He has no interest in what time it is or that we will be late for school, no care that I am irritated and absolutely no worries about such things. I believe that our children come to us to teach us something about ourselves, to help us change the little things that tend to creep their way in over time and influence our thinking about the here and now.
Do I have a huge to do list? Yes. Yes, I do.
Am I worried that it won't all get done? Sometimes I am.
Instead of letting myself get whipped up into a frenzy inside about it, I tell myself "I can only do so much in a day." It actually helps to calm me down and helps me recenter on the things that are important.
This morning, my son woke me up with a Chuck E Cheese crown on his head and a flashlight. "Mommy, let's play super heroes," he said happily. I resisted the temptation to get up and get moving. Instead, I grabbed the flashlight and spent 5 minutes running around the house with a really neat little boy.
I may not have a cape or magic powers, but 5 minutes was all my son needed to have a little fun with his mommy.
And the lesson to me was an invaluable one.

Seeing the Forest Through the Trees

"Stand still. The trees ahead and bushes beside you
Are not lost. Wherever you are is called Here.
And you must treat it as a powerful stranger,
Must ask permission to know it and be known.
The forest breathes. Listen. It answers.
I have made this place around you.
If you leave it, you may come back again, saying Here.
No two trees are the same to Raven.
No two trees are the same to Wren.
If what a tree or bush does is lost on you,
You are surely lost. Stand still. The forest knows
Where you are. You must let it find you."
--David Wagoner

Lately, life has given me a lot of things to do: Raise a son, grieve a long lost marriage; rise from the ashes and find a new life and reacquaint myself with the real me; grow a business; set the foundation for new financial opportunities so that I may take care of myself and my family.

All of this juggling sometimes has me forgetting to look in the forest of my soul and see what is really there. What is beyond the trees? What is driving me? Is it a good thing or a bad, or neither? Is it rooted in fear or infallibility? Is it purpose driven, or driven by something (or someone) else?

Recently, I realized that in periods of crisis in my life, I tend to throw myself into as much as I can in order to reassure myself that I will be OK. I joked with this last week with my therapist that I don't know when to stop: why is it not OK for me to be proud of what I've done so far? Why do I feel like it isn't enough? I look at the accomplishments I've been able to make in this very difficult period of my life and I am so proud--but why isn't it enough!?

He explained what I already knew: that anxiety in times of crisis makes us feel like we have to put our energies towards things that on the surface relieve our anxiety. But as we look deeper, do they really make us feel any better, or are we spinning our wheels? Perhaps the distraction makes us feel at ease, makes us feel less anxious.

Rather than give into this anxiety-driven behavior, I decided to take a new revolutionary approach: I am telling myself that I am doing everything I can do at this very moment, and to do more does nothing more. In other words, Less is More. In other words, Carrie: CHILL OUT!

Just saying it actually took some of the pressure off of myself, the pressure I have put squarely on my own shoulders. The pressure that can sometimes feel like shackles around my soul.

I am looking into the forest of my soul--deep into the forest, and focusing on the beautiful things that are living there: I am healthy, like a vibrant green moss that has taken root on an old growth tree. I have a beautiful, happy son, who gives me joy like rays of sunshine streaming through the forest darkness. I have amazing friends and family, who wrap me with love and warmth like the thick blanket of the forest floor. I am strong and sturdy, much like an old tree that stands quietly in the landscape.

I am here, in the quiet stillness of the dark and light, old growth and new, the summer winds blowing gently through my limbs and shaking me to the roots.

I am born again.

I am alive.

I am here.

Learning How to Say NO is a Fine Art....

"Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough."
--Joshua Billings

Perhaps it's just me, but lately I have had to say no a bit more than I am used to. This could be a result of me just having too many spoons in too many pots--a stay-at-home-mom by day, freelance writer/Sundance jewelry artist by night.
As a newly-labeled "single parent," I am trying to prepare myself financially and emotionally for all that being alone truly entails. And I am really looking at all of the things that I used to say "no" to and questioning whether I said no because I really didn't want to do them, or if it was a filter that I used for my soon-to-be ex spouse.
I wish I could say I've always been good at saying no, but I haven't. This time of my life has truly forced me to look at the things that are important and push out the rest; every single day I am looking at my list and wondering if I should/could do this or that.
Because I have such little time, I am always asking myself the perennial question: does saying yes speak to truly who I am? Am I saying yes out of guilt or obligation? Does saying no free me to be the person I am and honor who I am?
This may sound like a silly exercise, but I encourage you to ask yourself the next time you are asked for a favor. Instead of saying yes on "auto pilot", stop just for a second and ask yourself whether it is right for you.
As women, we are not trained to think this way, but I can tell you that it is liberating to put yourself first and draw a little line in the sand--saying no can be the best thing that you do.
If you've said yes all your life, don't expect others to be happy with your newfound "no" button.
Recently, a store who sells my work on consignment asked if I would do a custom piece for a customer. She told the customer I would do it before I had agreed to it. When she asked me if I would, I weighed the benefits to me--and found out that my time was worth a hell of a lot more than spending a few precious hours on a project for her customer that would result in a measly $30 in my pocket. So I politely told her "no."
I got back a curt response, the kind of response that would have made me feel too guilty to ignore and in the past would have made me change my mind and say yes even though I didn't want to. But this time I didn't rescind my answer--this time I stood up for myself.
All too often we do things for others that aren't coming from an authentic place. In this current place in my life, I am forced to ask myself the "why" of doing things that others ask. I have to say that while this has been a very challenging time of my life, this lesson has been a huge gift. And for that, I am grateful.

So many late nights, so much joy in my heart.....

"Beauty appears when something is completely and absolutely and openly itself."

--Deena Metzger

It's been so long since I've posted, I am not sure whether to be embarrassed or try to sweep the absence under the rug!

So I will choose to do neither--I will stand up and say, OK folks, I've been a busy little bird and life has, well, just been busy.

The Sundance work is in full swing--I have just gotten my first Purchase Orders for the fall catalogs and I was just informed that three additional designs are going to be part of the Holiday books that Sundance sends out. I am thrilled. I am tired. I am scared as shit. And I am ready.

But this business has totally changed for me, which is why you haven't seen new work on my Web site or Etsy for awhile. I have been head down not only making pieces for the fall order, but also making samples for Spring 2011--Yea, I said 2-0-1-1!!!!

Buyers like Sundance work so far ahead that designers must, too. It's actually a good thing in that it forces you to think designs through more carefully, put together casts and get materials far in advance, shoot it and put line sheets together so it can go out by the end of this month/early June.

In addition to preparing for Sundance, I've also been doing some freelance writing work on the side for my old employer and a few others. The pay is great, the work is interesting, and it helps fund the massive amount of investment I am making in nabbing this Sundance business and eventually getting more from others. Turns out, I thought I was spending a lot before on materials--I have reached a new level! :-)

The combination of the two is all done after my first job is over--when my son goes to bed. To say that I am burning the candle at both ends would kind of be an understatement at this point, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Despite my being so busy, I have learned that each day is a gift, and with it comes small blessings that must be seen, appreciated and enjoyed. It is for this ability that I am calm in my heart, not really even stressed that much.

So stay tuned, my friends, for what is to come. I guarantee the ride will be interesting. And I've saved a seat for each of you....