Living with Out Fear, Eyes Open

"I will not die an unlived life.
I will not live in fear
of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible,
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance,
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom,
and that which came to me as blossom
goes on as fruit."
-Dawna Markova

It has been a crazy couple of weeks, and my blog posts have become woefully at the bottom of the priority list. I've finally had a chance to catch up on life's to do list, and this past weekend actually had time to sit down and do something I hadn't had time for in quite a while: design.

I'm working on final pieces for my Spring/Summer collection for next year, and then it's on to designing the body of work that I'll be selling out next fall. When you work so far in advance, and then come back to the pieces you created for that particular season, you also remember what the world was delivering at your doorstep at the time--what was influencing your creative processes.

I was reminded of this over the weekend, as I came back to finish some pieces that I had started during a very tumultuous time in my life. I remember being inundated with thoughts of anxiety and fear; fear of what was coming, who I would be, and what impact it would all have on my life and my son's life.

In the past, fear was the rudder on my ship: fear of failing; fear of uncertainty; fear of losing; fear of abandonment. I made decisions (or didn't make them) based on fear. A girlfriend of mine recently said, "Well, all of these things have happened to you even though you feared them--so I guess you don't have to fear them anymore." It was like a lightbulb had gone off and it changed my entire way of thinking.

I am trying to live each day now with no fear. Living this way has brought me opportunities that I can't even have imagined. It has brought me a life that is truly mine, a life in which I try to see each day as it comes and look it straight in the eye and say, "I am not afraid."

Stay tuned for fall/holiday work, updates about Sundance (it's all good!) and just on life. In the meantime, live without fear. Do not live in fear of falling or catching fire. Savor each moment, each second of this wonderful gift we call life.

"Happiness is not in another place, but this place....not for another hour, but this hour."
--Walt Whitman

Recently, I've tried to focus a great deal on the here and now vs. what's coming or what's happened. This is easier said than done for obvious reasons: (1) there's a lot of crap from my past that I have to go back and look at in order not to make the same mistakes again (2) there's a lot of uncertainty about the future and who I'll be when I grow up, and (3) we are not wired to just be in the moment (in particular, I am not wired that way.)
While it might be a difficult task, I am trying in earnest to focus on the now more often. Outside of to-do lists and checklists and pieces to make and pieces to think about, I have this little reminder each day who helps me be in the now: my son.
Children have this amazing way of not having any clue what's coming up next, or not even caring much about it. While I try to scoot Evan to the car to get to school on time, he's on the floor of the car looking for dropped Fruit Snacks. When he finds one, he pulls it up gleefully and shouts, "Mom! Guess what I found?!"
He has no interest in what time it is or that we will be late for school, no care that I am irritated and absolutely no worries about such things. I believe that our children come to us to teach us something about ourselves, to help us change the little things that tend to creep their way in over time and influence our thinking about the here and now.
Do I have a huge to do list? Yes. Yes, I do.
Am I worried that it won't all get done? Sometimes I am.
Instead of letting myself get whipped up into a frenzy inside about it, I tell myself "I can only do so much in a day." It actually helps to calm me down and helps me recenter on the things that are important.
This morning, my son woke me up with a Chuck E Cheese crown on his head and a flashlight. "Mommy, let's play super heroes," he said happily. I resisted the temptation to get up and get moving. Instead, I grabbed the flashlight and spent 5 minutes running around the house with a really neat little boy.
I may not have a cape or magic powers, but 5 minutes was all my son needed to have a little fun with his mommy.
And the lesson to me was an invaluable one.

Seeing the Forest Through the Trees

"Stand still. The trees ahead and bushes beside you
Are not lost. Wherever you are is called Here.
And you must treat it as a powerful stranger,
Must ask permission to know it and be known.
The forest breathes. Listen. It answers.
I have made this place around you.
If you leave it, you may come back again, saying Here.
No two trees are the same to Raven.
No two trees are the same to Wren.
If what a tree or bush does is lost on you,
You are surely lost. Stand still. The forest knows
Where you are. You must let it find you."
--David Wagoner

Lately, life has given me a lot of things to do: Raise a son, grieve a long lost marriage; rise from the ashes and find a new life and reacquaint myself with the real me; grow a business; set the foundation for new financial opportunities so that I may take care of myself and my family.

All of this juggling sometimes has me forgetting to look in the forest of my soul and see what is really there. What is beyond the trees? What is driving me? Is it a good thing or a bad, or neither? Is it rooted in fear or infallibility? Is it purpose driven, or driven by something (or someone) else?

Recently, I realized that in periods of crisis in my life, I tend to throw myself into as much as I can in order to reassure myself that I will be OK. I joked with this last week with my therapist that I don't know when to stop: why is it not OK for me to be proud of what I've done so far? Why do I feel like it isn't enough? I look at the accomplishments I've been able to make in this very difficult period of my life and I am so proud--but why isn't it enough!?

He explained what I already knew: that anxiety in times of crisis makes us feel like we have to put our energies towards things that on the surface relieve our anxiety. But as we look deeper, do they really make us feel any better, or are we spinning our wheels? Perhaps the distraction makes us feel at ease, makes us feel less anxious.

Rather than give into this anxiety-driven behavior, I decided to take a new revolutionary approach: I am telling myself that I am doing everything I can do at this very moment, and to do more does nothing more. In other words, Less is More. In other words, Carrie: CHILL OUT!

Just saying it actually took some of the pressure off of myself, the pressure I have put squarely on my own shoulders. The pressure that can sometimes feel like shackles around my soul.

I am looking into the forest of my soul--deep into the forest, and focusing on the beautiful things that are living there: I am healthy, like a vibrant green moss that has taken root on an old growth tree. I have a beautiful, happy son, who gives me joy like rays of sunshine streaming through the forest darkness. I have amazing friends and family, who wrap me with love and warmth like the thick blanket of the forest floor. I am strong and sturdy, much like an old tree that stands quietly in the landscape.

I am here, in the quiet stillness of the dark and light, old growth and new, the summer winds blowing gently through my limbs and shaking me to the roots.

I am born again.

I am alive.

I am here.

Learning How to Say NO is a Fine Art....

"Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough."
--Joshua Billings

Perhaps it's just me, but lately I have had to say no a bit more than I am used to. This could be a result of me just having too many spoons in too many pots--a stay-at-home-mom by day, freelance writer/Sundance jewelry artist by night.
As a newly-labeled "single parent," I am trying to prepare myself financially and emotionally for all that being alone truly entails. And I am really looking at all of the things that I used to say "no" to and questioning whether I said no because I really didn't want to do them, or if it was a filter that I used for my soon-to-be ex spouse.
I wish I could say I've always been good at saying no, but I haven't. This time of my life has truly forced me to look at the things that are important and push out the rest; every single day I am looking at my list and wondering if I should/could do this or that.
Because I have such little time, I am always asking myself the perennial question: does saying yes speak to truly who I am? Am I saying yes out of guilt or obligation? Does saying no free me to be the person I am and honor who I am?
This may sound like a silly exercise, but I encourage you to ask yourself the next time you are asked for a favor. Instead of saying yes on "auto pilot", stop just for a second and ask yourself whether it is right for you.
As women, we are not trained to think this way, but I can tell you that it is liberating to put yourself first and draw a little line in the sand--saying no can be the best thing that you do.
If you've said yes all your life, don't expect others to be happy with your newfound "no" button.
Recently, a store who sells my work on consignment asked if I would do a custom piece for a customer. She told the customer I would do it before I had agreed to it. When she asked me if I would, I weighed the benefits to me--and found out that my time was worth a hell of a lot more than spending a few precious hours on a project for her customer that would result in a measly $30 in my pocket. So I politely told her "no."
I got back a curt response, the kind of response that would have made me feel too guilty to ignore and in the past would have made me change my mind and say yes even though I didn't want to. But this time I didn't rescind my answer--this time I stood up for myself.
All too often we do things for others that aren't coming from an authentic place. In this current place in my life, I am forced to ask myself the "why" of doing things that others ask. I have to say that while this has been a very challenging time of my life, this lesson has been a huge gift. And for that, I am grateful.

So many late nights, so much joy in my heart.....

"Beauty appears when something is completely and absolutely and openly itself."

--Deena Metzger

It's been so long since I've posted, I am not sure whether to be embarrassed or try to sweep the absence under the rug!

So I will choose to do neither--I will stand up and say, OK folks, I've been a busy little bird and life has, well, just been busy.

The Sundance work is in full swing--I have just gotten my first Purchase Orders for the fall catalogs and I was just informed that three additional designs are going to be part of the Holiday books that Sundance sends out. I am thrilled. I am tired. I am scared as shit. And I am ready.

But this business has totally changed for me, which is why you haven't seen new work on my Web site or Etsy for awhile. I have been head down not only making pieces for the fall order, but also making samples for Spring 2011--Yea, I said 2-0-1-1!!!!

Buyers like Sundance work so far ahead that designers must, too. It's actually a good thing in that it forces you to think designs through more carefully, put together casts and get materials far in advance, shoot it and put line sheets together so it can go out by the end of this month/early June.

In addition to preparing for Sundance, I've also been doing some freelance writing work on the side for my old employer and a few others. The pay is great, the work is interesting, and it helps fund the massive amount of investment I am making in nabbing this Sundance business and eventually getting more from others. Turns out, I thought I was spending a lot before on materials--I have reached a new level! :-)

The combination of the two is all done after my first job is over--when my son goes to bed. To say that I am burning the candle at both ends would kind of be an understatement at this point, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Despite my being so busy, I have learned that each day is a gift, and with it comes small blessings that must be seen, appreciated and enjoyed. It is for this ability that I am calm in my heart, not really even stressed that much.

So stay tuned, my friends, for what is to come. I guarantee the ride will be interesting. And I've saved a seat for each of you....

Redemption

"People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."
— Mother Teresa

Lately, I have realized that one big thing that has hindered my creative business is creativity itself. As an artist, energy flows through me and I release that energy into the pieces I create. I let each one go, a seed to the wind, to plant itself in fertile soil and take root.

But what happens when you have a creative drought? What happens when the very thing that makes you an artist goes away?

It is a crippling feeling, indeed, to have the very energy that feeds your business just dry up. For me, the drought was a long and hard one. It felt like two years of winter. Sure, I plugged along and created pieces, but I always wondered: will someone call my bluff? Because they were not always made with energy that is pure, good and true.

For each of us artists, there are bonafide periods in our lives when the creativity just dies. For me, it is usually with personal struggles like those that have haunted my life in the past year. I have been stripped bare and gone many nights to my closet sobbing. I never thought it would end. And neither did my studio.

Recently, the creative juices started to kick in again. Slowly, but surely. It reassured me that they were really there.. I was beginning to wonder if they had gone forever.

For me, I realized that this prolonged period of creative bankruptcy was a necessary part of my process. How can someone create art if their very souls are stripped down to nothing? How can someone be an artist if their emotional state is mired in torture and trauma?

What I realized, too, is that forgiveness--forgiveness of self--is an essential element to becoming a whole person and a whole artist again. We might be willing to forgive others for what they have done to us, but what about ourselves? Are we willing to extend the same unconditional love and forgiveness to our own spirits?

Recently, it dawned on me that I hadn't done that yet. I hadn't forgiven myself. Redemption of self is so important--it teaches us to be just as gentle on ourselves as we are to others. But how often do we REALLY do that? How often do the critical voices tell us that we deserve what we got coming instead of offering our tender little souls forgiveness?

Don't ask me how to forgive yourself or how long it will take. Only you know that answer.

I can only tell you that I am leading this charge up the hill of redemption so that I can be free--free of all the things that have bound me and my creativity. Free of the shackles that I put on myself and let others put on me.

FREE.

Revamping My Life, My Business, My Soul!

"Set fire to what you thought you knew and find yourself in the ashes."
--From the Book, Note to Self

My life has been nothing but change this past few months in every stretch of the imagination. And now, with this amazing business opportunity before me, even the things I knew and the rhthyms I trusted in my professional life as an artist have gone by the wayside.

The Sundance Catalog business has forced me to think about my business like a professional. By that I mean that plans are made well in advance of the "now" and things are in progress much farther ahead of when they will actually see the light of day. This is how the jewelry business truly works--you must think far in advance of just a one-hit wonder of the season. Instead, you must look out on the horizon, plan for the future and buy materials based on a big fat hunch....

Revamping the business is what must be done in order to grow it to what I want it to be. But, it is a complete change from the design-what-you-wish mentality that I have been in for the past four years. It's time to be as mature about the business as I have had to be in my personal life. I guess there is a recurring theme here....

The frustrating part is that there is only one of me, so planning head for future business is great (I'm really a planner at heart), but the satisfaction that comes from producing results on a monthly basis are currently eluding me. I have done a huge amount of legwork already on my Sundance business, so it's time to focus on the here and now for awhile, so look for new work here pretty soon.

I guess that this opportunity comes at a good time for me, as everything about my life is changing. So why not this? In my heart, I know it's the right thing to do if I want to make this a business that pays. It just requires a redoubling of efforts and a fresh mind. And I guess my soul, heart and mind are ready for whatever is next!